[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.