me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
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Can’t. Being lazy.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?