I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?