*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*