I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early