Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You Might Also Like
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.