Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
You Might Also Like
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets