My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
scared to check what name she chose
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.