My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I love twitter
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations