Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.