ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Uh oh…
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I have a type: disappointing
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
best review i’ve ever seen