Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.