How animals would run if they were human
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage