Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
can’t bark with your mouth full
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto