Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.