longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
taking June’s advice to heart
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Breaking news:
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*