Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
#polloftheday
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.