LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia