oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this