Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
You Might Also Like
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Jesus Christ lmao
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
23. the denim jacket
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face