Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car