Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
When libraries troll their patrons.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.