If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like