me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.