[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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I think itâs time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body theyâre being modelled in too.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: Iâll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I donât really want to âworkâ here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sexâ˘
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score đ
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Ă A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ĂA-12â2
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it wonât be that bad
And Satan said âLet them drink instant coffeeâ.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[My cooking show]
Me: Today weâll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*