BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress