Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy