The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?