[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!