[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I missed you with all my darts
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.