My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Close call…
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends