A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*