Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Breakfast for Stoners:
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.