She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
May have had one breakfast too many
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Shortcut
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween