You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”