Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me buying fruit and veg
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles