TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.