Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
You Might Also Like
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
this is what they would have looked like, though
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”