Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?