SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave