Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*