I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
mentally somewhere in italy
doing some research
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I don’t make the rules sorry
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Not helping
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”