I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
my astrological sign is a french fry
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog