how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Muppet Screams
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*