The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair