Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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mariah carrie
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.