My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
i smell a pulitzer
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…