Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.