When they try to steal your moment.
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”