It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Come back with a warrant
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.